Girl on fire

"I dreamed you dreamed of me calling out my name
Is it worth the price?"

Well, first of all, hey. I don't know exactly what I'm doing - should I write in portuguese or in english? Should I make an update or just a fresh start? The truth is something has changed. I haven't figured out all of it yet but the change is here. I'm coming back, I'm coming home. No more 'yes', no more tears, no more helpless nights. No more awkward silence, doubts about myself just because others don't enjoy me as I should be enjoyed. Yes, I just said that, I am proud of myself.  I'm proud of what I am today, of how much I've succeed. I actually did a lot of stuff, I mean, I entered college, worked in a lot of voluntary associations, I fucking published a book. I have to be proud of this, right? 
I've met someone. I still can't quite figure it out how is this going to work; I feel like I haven't met anyone in ages. Okay, I've met some guys but all they wanted was my body, my appearance. This is love or at least something like that. This is someone that enjoy my sould and laughs with me. And it's a girl and that's the problem. Well, not entirely a problem. I have no problem saying I like a girl but I never thought I would be in this position. I thought that my attraction to girl ended in their boobs not in their minds. Yet I'm attracted to her and I can't avoid admiring all her little things. The way she looks at me, the way she smiles, even the way she walks. She walks slowly, each leg at the time. No, not all of us walk like that - I almost run, you can't even notice each leg, you just see a ball moving. But with her, I can admire her tighs. This sounds very lust-ish but I feel great admiring them.

 

And of course I've changed. But it's a good change. It makes me feel like I'm alive, truly alive. I haven't felt like this for quite a while and I own her that. Even if we don't stay together, even if we stop talking, I own her these little moments when I feel free and ready to move on. Nevertheless I have to be honest with you guys - I hope she doesn't run away from me because I'm enjoying every second I spend with her. I hope she falls in love with me as I am falling for her. Not sure if it's about love but I'm definitely falling. I hope I don't hurt myself.
I have finally moved on - well, I can't continue talking about this, she has arrived; boy, that was quick. We're studying together. I like having her near me.

I did it

That doesn't mean that I'm proud of doing it. I did it, yes. I broke up with the person that I love the most - I truly love him, there's no doubt of it - I just wasn't happy with my life. I still haven't figured it out if the problem is him or me. You know, if it's me, if I can't be happy and satisfied with my life or if it's his fault, that he doesn't gives his best. I don't know. That's what I've been telling all day long - I don't know.
I decided that it's best for me if I wait and rest. To wait to watch as the days go by and I don't move a single muscle. I've been spending my time alone, thinking and reading, mostly. I haven't written, although I feel like I have - mentally, you know? In my mind, I've started poems over and over again; haven't finished them though.
More than 15 days before classes start - don't even know what to think about that. I've been changing so much. I'm going to start to work again. I signed up to workout, like, really workout. I just hope I don't give up and start eat healthy food again. Eclairs aren't the best food ever.
Being alone can't be that bad.

Blame it on the Night

I wish I could but instead I'll blame it on myself. I've been a terrible human being really - I lied to myself for months and I knew this day would come, I just didn't wanted to accept it. How can you accept that your hardwork and love for 2 years was useless? That it just didn't work out and end up throwing it as if it was garbage? You don't. You scream, cry and ask 'why' (yup, it even rhymed).
I don't want his love back - I want his friendship, respect and good memories to share with though. I want his happiness with someone that's worth his attention. I want to put an end on this relationship where we both know that something is wrong; he is always happy, he is easy to please - I'm not. It has always been my fault, I was never satisfied. It took me two years to understand that neither him or me have any type of fault over this. A relationship is made with 2 people and if you're not happy... I mean, I can't help it and I shouldn't be judged for not being pleased with the relationship I have. That doesn't even make sense. Yet, it was logical to me until a few months ago.

Now I've finally realized that I need to stand up for myself.

No success

I don't write on this blog for months and I don't even know why  and maybe it's for the same reason I don't write on diaries anymore -because I don't need it. But today I do. I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues and problems except to myself. I can't sleep properly, I don't eat properly (spend hours without eating or eat a whole bunch of high calories food). I can't breathe right and I feel like crying and this isn't due to my period. It's really because I'm completely and exhaustively tired. These 4 months were too hard for me. I really can't keep pushing myself that much but there's nothing I can do. Now my german test is coming and I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail my first subject in college and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't understand the classes, I despise the teacher... Nothing good on those classes. And it truly makes me sad. I feel like I haven't given the best of me but I really can't do better. My body is aching. The only thing that's left is study for the other exams. Work hard on those, since I'll be home.

My song 5

A new school year has already begun - you guys couldn't possibly believe how busy I already am, especially with deutsch subjects. How am I supposed to understand metaphors in deutsch? I don't know but my teacher thinks I know.
Praxis has been really hard to handle with, I have no idea how much i'll be able to handle. Sometimes I feel like we're a family but there are times where it's just too lonely and tough to feel. Even though I say to myself it's over once I get out of college, I just feel like giving up. I have so many plans and dreams, what am I doing there?
Me and Luís are back. I seriously missed him. There are still things I want to work on and understand better how we'll be able to last. Seriously, we need to stop breaking up, we had 3 crisis in our relationship in a year. They were all different and we learnt different things from each one but we need to end up these splittings. We need to fight together. There is a different between stability and conformism. Lust and passion isn't the same as love. True love. It's like when you are used to a doll and you recieve a new one - you get all excited and forget the old one but when the new one breaks, you start wishing you stayed with the older. It kind of happens with me and Luís and now I start wondering if we're made for each other. I think we are. I really hope we are.
My experience in the book world is going pretty well! I'm more and more interested on the book community and I started making videos - so far so good.
I feel like I am finaly being more me,you know?

I'm in love again and I'm scared.

I'm in love again and I'm scared.
I long to be with him
to listen to him.
I giggle, willing to hold him.
I cannot lie,
I'm scared.
After struggling to find
to find what?
Peace?
But what is peace, really?
After struggling to find
Mercy
I found myself asking
Do I want this?

No, I do not.

I prefer to be loved by the one
and hated by the rest of it.
I'm in love again and I'm scared.

She looks so perfect

July really flew, I couldn't acknowledge everything.
My first year in college has finished - my grades weren't that good but, at least, I've made all my subjects; futhermore, I'll be ready for next year. I won't be that selfless, that's for sure.
I'm kinda missing praxis which is awesome: I was really needing some rest from it. Meanwhile, I'm reading books that I'll study next year. Ugh.
I want to talk about something but I don't even know how to start. Basically I have new hopes for my life. Not that I have a bad life, I just thought I was going to be like this for some years but now... I don't know. I just feel really alive again. I don't want to go back again. I just feel like a butterfly, always changing.