Fossem verbos o teu corpo,
pudessem as mãos falar para as tuas curvas,
a língua complica, é mais fácil
os teus olhos, eu percebo-os,
a língua não.
As palavras escorrem-me,
mas não és palavras, és gentileza,
és feita de toque.
Rodeio-te,
vales todas as minhas palavras.

Ella

I can't stop thinking about you, Ella. I don't know how this has happened, it just did. I feel like I totally lost control over this situation, I have no solution. For the first time, I have no solution, I don't have any way to fix this.I feel like I have the hours but not the days. I wish everything was easier.

Keine Entschuldigung 

Looking at you makes me so nervous, makes me feel so ridiculous. Like I haven't learnt anything in these couple of months. It's July and 2016 has been a rollercoaster since day 1 from this year. Me and him broke up. I met her and she basically used my body, there's not a pretty way to say that. She just realized I was falling for her and she took that to her advantage - I don't believe she has meant well to me. The way she looked at me during classes when we separated wasn't an honest and clear way to look. I decided to give a shot to Pedro and it was a total mess as well - there's the material and there's no way to execute it correctly. I can't change people, people just have to make it alone and to accept others help. He didn't accept mine. Glad I wasn't that much into him.

That should be enough of learning; but no,here I am. And I can't even regret making this decision, at least not on this stage. She's the sweetest person. I can't talk a lot about her, at least for now.

 

Same Old Mistakes

I guess we'll never learn,right?
Well, I can't be that rough with myself - I did learn some things. Not to expect much. Not to give any part of me. There are some people that I know I won't see again. I did learn quite a lot.
But then there are some people that I just can't forget. People that once meant the world the me, people that helped me see flowers (while they were blind). I want to write poetry about him again. I want to fulfill what I've dreamt about for so long. It sounds so ridiculous just by writing it down and I'll be the first judging myself, trust me - but I need to be near him again. I need to be myself, even if that doesn't mean happiness. I'm not the perfect synonym of joy (or luck) but it's better than running away.
During months I told myself I couldn't run away, that it was the end,that I would have to be forever with that person (such a messy person). But now that I am nowhere closer to him...What stops me? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, literally.

Wrote this on my other blog.

Here I am, talking again about a subject that has filled quite a big amount of posts. The thing is, it's not over yet. I may continue writing about it but the bad feel I get when I look to myself in the mirror hasn't left. I'm 20 years old (on my way to 21) and my acne hasn't got any better - when I was 15 adults used to tell me 'when you grow up your acne will stop!'. I wanted to grow up so badly. And I grew but nothing changed, absolutely nothing. Pimples still come and I have an entire cheek full of scars that I try to describe them as 'war scars' but sometimes even saying that won't make me feel better. I feel like I've been tricked all along. That I'll have to face acne for more and more years, that I'll have to wear concealer and foundation every single day. That I'll have to hide my face for a job interview, for my wedding. It might sound ridiculous for people who have a beautiful and glowy skin but it's a normal fear, something that I think quite a lot. I love make up and as much as I try to see it as a way to make art, deep inside I just use it to hide myself. I don't use foundation because I freaking like it, I hate it. I use it because I have no choice.

We glorify certain body types while shaming others.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to show my face, even if it's pretty messed up. I don't want society to shame who I am. I can't avoid thinking how I'm a victim here and I just hate it. Nowadays there are hundreds of musics talking about girls with more weight and shaming the skinny ones, as if we're the cause of all that's wrong in this body image that the society has. I don't know about you Painters but I use the term 'fat' like an adjective, just like 'skinny'. It's not a way to attack and it's not a compliment, it's just a word and it needs to be said. And same goes for our faces - who doesn't want straight beautiful hair, exotic eye colour and high cheek bones? Add the perfect skin of course. People randomly ask me 'have you gone to a dermatologist?' as if I'm dying (?). And I wish I was joking. Once, my mother signed me for a make up trial and I just couldn't make it because I didn't have a 'skin to use such make up'. We are not born with this self consciousness about our bodies - the society makes it for us. When I was 8, I didn't thought how disgusting a certain pimple was, it was part of my face. I want to stop shaming myself.

We tear ourselves down.

The message of this post? I'm not sure. I wish I could bring you tips of how to fight this issue, a piece of advice of how to act when someone brings you down (even if it's just yourself)but I still haven't found the true answer. Looking at the mirror still hurts. Nevertheless, you're not alone. If you have the same problems, search for people that can understand you. And when your confidence is falling apart, think that it's just a perception that society made, it's not really who you are, right?

Mumford and Sons - Reminder

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking faster than I should. There are times where I can't breathe properly and I just stand, sobbing. I miss him so much and I can't avoid feeling hurt. He just needed to try harder and sooner, nothing more,I loved him so much. I did things for him I think I won't do again.
I just want to feel better,safer. I want to feel like I've found some peace.

Fake

She was a fake one. That's how much I can tell you about it.

Years & Years - Desire

Things are finally getting back into place. I broke up with him and I'm happy that I did it. I feel like I can move forward now, that there's nothing stopping me - he hasn't bad, he just wasn't the one and I always knew that, I just hoped we would make it work in the future. The thing is, what if the future isn't the way I imagined it to be? The world surrounding me is different and so am I. I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to have 3 kids. Now I want to study politics and I don't even know if I even want to get married. I don't know it anymore yet I'm so happy I can't even totally describe it.
She makes me feel so in peace with myself, as if I haven't done anything wrong. It's a safe place but not an asphyxiant one. It's a healthy place to be in and I feel I can finally live. I don't tell her this type of things since she's quite reserved but I think she gets it. I hope she does.
Also, she's definitely working on my confidence towards the others but also towards myself. I'm feeling more confident and I'm also starting to be more demanding to myself - am I making sense? I think I'm not. What I'm saying is that I'm working harder for myself, I'm not expecting that someone will make me feel better just because I feel like I'm not worthy. I now know that it has to be me to take a stand and she's helping me out - she doesn't say 'I like you' that often but it's okay. I have to start trusting others. And I know that starting to trust her is a good starting point.

Not everyone is out to screw you over.
Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya.