Fossem verbos o teu corpo,
pudessem as mãos falar para as tuas curvas,
a língua complica, é mais fácil
os teus olhos, eu percebo-os,
a língua não.
As palavras escorrem-me,
mas não és palavras, és gentileza,
és feita de toque.
Rodeio-te,
vales todas as minhas palavras.

Ella

I can't stop thinking about you, Ella. I don't know how this has happened, it just did. I feel like I totally lost control over this situation, I have no solution. For the first time, I have no solution, I don't have any way to fix this.I feel like I have the hours but not the days. I wish everything was easier.

Keine Entschuldigung 

Looking at you makes me so nervous, makes me feel so ridiculous. Like I haven't learnt anything in these couple of months. It's July and 2016 has been a rollercoaster since day 1 from this year. Me and him broke up. I met her and she basically used my body, there's not a pretty way to say that. She just realized I was falling for her and she took that to her advantage - I don't believe she has meant well to me. The way she looked at me during classes when we separated wasn't an honest and clear way to look. I decided to give a shot to Pedro and it was a total mess as well - there's the material and there's no way to execute it correctly. I can't change people, people just have to make it alone and to accept others help. He didn't accept mine. Glad I wasn't that much into him.

That should be enough of learning; but no,here I am. And I can't even regret making this decision, at least not on this stage. She's the sweetest person. I can't talk a lot about her, at least for now.

 

Same Old Mistakes

I guess we'll never learn,right?
Well, I can't be that rough with myself - I did learn some things. Not to expect much. Not to give any part of me. There are some people that I know I won't see again. I did learn quite a lot.
But then there are some people that I just can't forget. People that once meant the world the me, people that helped me see flowers (while they were blind). I want to write poetry about him again. I want to fulfill what I've dreamt about for so long. It sounds so ridiculous just by writing it down and I'll be the first judging myself, trust me - but I need to be near him again. I need to be myself, even if that doesn't mean happiness. I'm not the perfect synonym of joy (or luck) but it's better than running away.
During months I told myself I couldn't run away, that it was the end,that I would have to be forever with that person (such a messy person). But now that I am nowhere closer to him...What stops me? I don't have to explain myself to anyone, literally.

Wrote this on my other blog.

Here I am, talking again about a subject that has filled quite a big amount of posts. The thing is, it's not over yet. I may continue writing about it but the bad feel I get when I look to myself in the mirror hasn't left. I'm 20 years old (on my way to 21) and my acne hasn't got any better - when I was 15 adults used to tell me 'when you grow up your acne will stop!'. I wanted to grow up so badly. And I grew but nothing changed, absolutely nothing. Pimples still come and I have an entire cheek full of scars that I try to describe them as 'war scars' but sometimes even saying that won't make me feel better. I feel like I've been tricked all along. That I'll have to face acne for more and more years, that I'll have to wear concealer and foundation every single day. That I'll have to hide my face for a job interview, for my wedding. It might sound ridiculous for people who have a beautiful and glowy skin but it's a normal fear, something that I think quite a lot. I love make up and as much as I try to see it as a way to make art, deep inside I just use it to hide myself. I don't use foundation because I freaking like it, I hate it. I use it because I have no choice.

We glorify certain body types while shaming others.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to show my face, even if it's pretty messed up. I don't want society to shame who I am. I can't avoid thinking how I'm a victim here and I just hate it. Nowadays there are hundreds of musics talking about girls with more weight and shaming the skinny ones, as if we're the cause of all that's wrong in this body image that the society has. I don't know about you Painters but I use the term 'fat' like an adjective, just like 'skinny'. It's not a way to attack and it's not a compliment, it's just a word and it needs to be said. And same goes for our faces - who doesn't want straight beautiful hair, exotic eye colour and high cheek bones? Add the perfect skin of course. People randomly ask me 'have you gone to a dermatologist?' as if I'm dying (?). And I wish I was joking. Once, my mother signed me for a make up trial and I just couldn't make it because I didn't have a 'skin to use such make up'. We are not born with this self consciousness about our bodies - the society makes it for us. When I was 8, I didn't thought how disgusting a certain pimple was, it was part of my face. I want to stop shaming myself.

We tear ourselves down.

The message of this post? I'm not sure. I wish I could bring you tips of how to fight this issue, a piece of advice of how to act when someone brings you down (even if it's just yourself)but I still haven't found the true answer. Looking at the mirror still hurts. Nevertheless, you're not alone. If you have the same problems, search for people that can understand you. And when your confidence is falling apart, think that it's just a perception that society made, it's not really who you are, right?

Mumford and Sons - Reminder

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking faster than I should. There are times where I can't breathe properly and I just stand, sobbing. I miss him so much and I can't avoid feeling hurt. He just needed to try harder and sooner, nothing more,I loved him so much. I did things for him I think I won't do again.
I just want to feel better,safer. I want to feel like I've found some peace.

Fake

She was a fake one. That's how much I can tell you about it.

Years & Years - Desire

Things are finally getting back into place. I broke up with him and I'm happy that I did it. I feel like I can move forward now, that there's nothing stopping me - he hasn't bad, he just wasn't the one and I always knew that, I just hoped we would make it work in the future. The thing is, what if the future isn't the way I imagined it to be? The world surrounding me is different and so am I. I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to have 3 kids. Now I want to study politics and I don't even know if I even want to get married. I don't know it anymore yet I'm so happy I can't even totally describe it.
She makes me feel so in peace with myself, as if I haven't done anything wrong. It's a safe place but not an asphyxiant one. It's a healthy place to be in and I feel I can finally live. I don't tell her this type of things since she's quite reserved but I think she gets it. I hope she does.
Also, she's definitely working on my confidence towards the others but also towards myself. I'm feeling more confident and I'm also starting to be more demanding to myself - am I making sense? I think I'm not. What I'm saying is that I'm working harder for myself, I'm not expecting that someone will make me feel better just because I feel like I'm not worthy. I now know that it has to be me to take a stand and she's helping me out - she doesn't say 'I like you' that often but it's okay. I have to start trusting others. And I know that starting to trust her is a good starting point.

Not everyone is out to screw you over.
Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya.

 

Girl on fire

"I dreamed you dreamed of me calling out my name
Is it worth the price?"

Well, first of all, hey. I don't know exactly what I'm doing - should I write in portuguese or in english? Should I make an update or just a fresh start? The truth is something has changed. I haven't figured out all of it yet but the change is here. I'm coming back, I'm coming home. No more 'yes', no more tears, no more helpless nights. No more awkward silence, doubts about myself just because others don't enjoy me as I should be enjoyed. Yes, I just said that, I am proud of myself.  I'm proud of what I am today, of how much I've succeed. I actually did a lot of stuff, I mean, I entered college, worked in a lot of voluntary associations, I fucking published a book. I have to be proud of this, right? 
I've met someone. I still can't quite figure it out how is this going to work; I feel like I haven't met anyone in ages. Okay, I've met some guys but all they wanted was my body, my appearance. This is love or at least something like that. This is someone that enjoy my sould and laughs with me. And it's a girl and that's the problem. Well, not entirely a problem. I have no problem saying I like a girl but I never thought I would be in this position. I thought that my attraction to girl ended in their boobs not in their minds. Yet I'm attracted to her and I can't avoid admiring all her little things. The way she looks at me, the way she smiles, even the way she walks. She walks slowly, each leg at the time. No, not all of us walk like that - I almost run, you can't even notice each leg, you just see a ball moving. But with her, I can admire her tighs. This sounds very lust-ish but I feel great admiring them.

 

And of course I've changed. But it's a good change. It makes me feel like I'm alive, truly alive. I haven't felt like this for quite a while and I own her that. Even if we don't stay together, even if we stop talking, I own her these little moments when I feel free and ready to move on. Nevertheless I have to be honest with you guys - I hope she doesn't run away from me because I'm enjoying every second I spend with her. I hope she falls in love with me as I am falling for her. Not sure if it's about love but I'm definitely falling. I hope I don't hurt myself.
I have finally moved on - well, I can't continue talking about this, she has arrived; boy, that was quick. We're studying together. I like having her near me.

I did it

That doesn't mean that I'm proud of doing it. I did it, yes. I broke up with the person that I love the most - I truly love him, there's no doubt of it - I just wasn't happy with my life. I still haven't figured it out if the problem is him or me. You know, if it's me, if I can't be happy and satisfied with my life or if it's his fault, that he doesn't gives his best. I don't know. That's what I've been telling all day long - I don't know.
I decided that it's best for me if I wait and rest. To wait to watch as the days go by and I don't move a single muscle. I've been spending my time alone, thinking and reading, mostly. I haven't written, although I feel like I have - mentally, you know? In my mind, I've started poems over and over again; haven't finished them though.
More than 15 days before classes start - don't even know what to think about that. I've been changing so much. I'm going to start to work again. I signed up to workout, like, really workout. I just hope I don't give up and start eat healthy food again. Eclairs aren't the best food ever.
Being alone can't be that bad.

Blame it on the Night

I wish I could but instead I'll blame it on myself. I've been a terrible human being really - I lied to myself for months and I knew this day would come, I just didn't wanted to accept it. How can you accept that your hardwork and love for 2 years was useless? That it just didn't work out and end up throwing it as if it was garbage? You don't. You scream, cry and ask 'why' (yup, it even rhymed).
I don't want his love back - I want his friendship, respect and good memories to share with though. I want his happiness with someone that's worth his attention. I want to put an end on this relationship where we both know that something is wrong; he is always happy, he is easy to please - I'm not. It has always been my fault, I was never satisfied. It took me two years to understand that neither him or me have any type of fault over this. A relationship is made with 2 people and if you're not happy... I mean, I can't help it and I shouldn't be judged for not being pleased with the relationship I have. That doesn't even make sense. Yet, it was logical to me until a few months ago.

Now I've finally realized that I need to stand up for myself.

No success

I don't write on this blog for months and I don't even know why  and maybe it's for the same reason I don't write on diaries anymore -because I don't need it. But today I do. I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues and problems except to myself. I can't sleep properly, I don't eat properly (spend hours without eating or eat a whole bunch of high calories food). I can't breathe right and I feel like crying and this isn't due to my period. It's really because I'm completely and exhaustively tired. These 4 months were too hard for me. I really can't keep pushing myself that much but there's nothing I can do. Now my german test is coming and I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail my first subject in college and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't understand the classes, I despise the teacher... Nothing good on those classes. And it truly makes me sad. I feel like I haven't given the best of me but I really can't do better. My body is aching. The only thing that's left is study for the other exams. Work hard on those, since I'll be home.

My song 5

A new school year has already begun - you guys couldn't possibly believe how busy I already am, especially with deutsch subjects. How am I supposed to understand metaphors in deutsch? I don't know but my teacher thinks I know.
Praxis has been really hard to handle with, I have no idea how much i'll be able to handle. Sometimes I feel like we're a family but there are times where it's just too lonely and tough to feel. Even though I say to myself it's over once I get out of college, I just feel like giving up. I have so many plans and dreams, what am I doing there?
Me and Luís are back. I seriously missed him. There are still things I want to work on and understand better how we'll be able to last. Seriously, we need to stop breaking up, we had 3 crisis in our relationship in a year. They were all different and we learnt different things from each one but we need to end up these splittings. We need to fight together. There is a different between stability and conformism. Lust and passion isn't the same as love. True love. It's like when you are used to a doll and you recieve a new one - you get all excited and forget the old one but when the new one breaks, you start wishing you stayed with the older. It kind of happens with me and Luís and now I start wondering if we're made for each other. I think we are. I really hope we are.
My experience in the book world is going pretty well! I'm more and more interested on the book community and I started making videos - so far so good.
I feel like I am finaly being more me,you know?

I'm in love again and I'm scared.

I'm in love again and I'm scared.
I long to be with him
to listen to him.
I giggle, willing to hold him.
I cannot lie,
I'm scared.
After struggling to find
to find what?
Peace?
But what is peace, really?
After struggling to find
Mercy
I found myself asking
Do I want this?

No, I do not.

I prefer to be loved by the one
and hated by the rest of it.
I'm in love again and I'm scared.

She looks so perfect

July really flew, I couldn't acknowledge everything.
My first year in college has finished - my grades weren't that good but, at least, I've made all my subjects; futhermore, I'll be ready for next year. I won't be that selfless, that's for sure.
I'm kinda missing praxis which is awesome: I was really needing some rest from it. Meanwhile, I'm reading books that I'll study next year. Ugh.
I want to talk about something but I don't even know how to start. Basically I have new hopes for my life. Not that I have a bad life, I just thought I was going to be like this for some years but now... I don't know. I just feel really alive again. I don't want to go back again. I just feel like a butterfly, always changing.

The Broods

Classes finished - exams have started. The first year of college is pratically over. Can you believe it? I can't.
It was, probably, one of the most intense years I've experienced so far. I'm not saying as a bad thing (although my worst years were 8th and 9th and they were the worst ones) but I must confess this year made me see a world I wish I hadn't seen. People are different - they don't care anymore. If you miss a step, if you slip, they will judge you and they won't even ask you 'why?'. They just disappear and you are left on your own and even though I'm getting used to it, it still makes me feel messy and confused. Why? Why this?
With all these changes, I've became more quiet and more... analyser I guess. In spite of trying my best to make friends, I've more of a loner. The good thing: I feel good and that's what it matters. I do have friends, I have a loving boyfriend, I've just realized that I don't need 10000001 bff's; in fact, a lot of friends that used to mean the world to me, they are now just friends. And I'm okay with it. My bedroom looks like a war field - if changed a lot of things WHICH MAY BE UNOTICED but, to me, it made all the difference. Now I have like 2 huuuuge shopping bags full of clothes and cloth, ready to be reused/used. I have too many dreams and I don't work on them as much as I wish I would. It's time to make a change.
My book is going pretty well - still exchanging e-mails. I've also started another book but still working on the structure, since this one has to be longer (I want like 150/200 pages) and I can't take that much time as Ano to work on it. This dream has to work. I have to win this. Even if I don't win 1€ from first edition of Ano, I have to make more editions, more books and keep the quality I think I have. It's my dream and Chiado Editora believed in it.
In terms of voluntary work, while APA is going SO WELL, Team End not so. Everything is a mess, there's no respect between each other. Tomorrow we'll have a meeting and we'll try to make a few changes. I just hope that everything goes right.
I should study, xoxo.

Chasing the sun

So yeah, these last weeks I've achieved more than I could ever dream of . and I should feel happy but instead I feel numb,really. Like it was all just a dream and it wasn't so good as I expected it to be. Let's say I kind of graduated from praxe but I hated it and I felt I've been wrong for 9months, that they weren't that perfect, that it was all just a big lie. That there wasn't anything like union and teamwork, just little groups of wannabe popular girls. Maybe that's the problem of attending FLUP.
Now I just don't know how to feel anymore, my pride about praxe has vanished and I don't have any goal except to be stronger. I guess I'll be in praxe as far as I can handle it, as far as I need it, really. I should be staying because I want to change people but... I already do that with my voluntary work. So..I guess that's it.
And then I was completely honest with him and I made the wrong/right decision of kissing him; and, again, I felt that I was cheated, that he fooled me for months. Worse. That he fooled himself, that he pretended everything just to make me feel happy -the problem was that I wasn't happy at all, I've only learnt that word a few months ago (in my love life ofc). Now I might lose him but what can I say? What can I do? He is blind and I can see flowers. I just need to go on with my life and do what I like to do - see grunge pics, take wannabe grunge pics, reading and writing and dreaming of smoking (not smoking, I'm doing a kind or rehab of that).
My voluntary association is growing so fast that it kind of makes me cry; I haven't cried yet but I know that, sooner of later, it will happen and oh god. Half year has past and we have learnt so much and developed so much as well, it's something to be proud of. I wish I could be payed to help the others. And friendship...ugh. I seriously wish I could know my friends better. Sometimes I'm so lost and I feel I can lose them with a glimpse. 
Either way, what I really need is holidays. To read, to start working better on my new book and projects and, more important, to think.

400 Lux

I feel like wanting to write but I don't even know how to start. Ugh. Ano is going to be published: my little and fragile world is going to be exposed. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, really, I'm 18years old (and I was 17 four months ago), I don't even know. And the scariest part it: am I going to be able to sell 500books? And what am I supposed to do now? I've already started another book but it's a different type of writing, less feel-ish and more story-ish. What if I suck at writing like that? *fucking nervous*
And I'm even more nervous about my body - had a problem and, even though Luís tried to fix it, I'm still scared. I just want my menstruation back. Seriously. Nevertheless, this situation just pulled us together even more. Everyday I fall in love with him.
And while I'm writing this, I'm taking care of my bedroom - cleaning and organizing, needed a new shelf for books (all thanks to my first time in a Fleamarket, I bought too many books omg). Life is hard but sweet.

Craving:
*Shoes omg
*The complete colletion of Virginia Wolf by Wordsworth Library Collection
*Display-things (can't name it) to organize my bracelets and nail polishes
*A 10 in Deutsch exam

Losing sleep

(So in love with John Newman) Yesterday I woke up with parisian feels all over me - I've always been a londoner, always imagined myself using creepers and drinking café latte from Caffé Nero (trust me, it's so much better than Starbucks of Costa); yet, yesterday I wanted to wear sailing shoes, red lipstick and eat croissants (even though I don't even like croissants, only the french ones).
Had a terrible grade at my deutsch test, I tried to be mad with myself but I just couldn't, I knew I had made my best and that I couldn't change the past. Time to move forward. So many changes going on my life, I'm not sure if I can cope with all this. Ugh. I just need summer vacations.And coffee. Tons of coffee.

(I took this picture and, although I really wanna buy a good one, I suck at using them - yet, I love this picture, finally took a good pic, yeeey)

Locked out from heaven

I feel so stupid for saying this but boy I'm so mad for having a fine in my college's library - 3,50€ is such a big amount of money for a college student! Oh well, I have to be more responsible.
Speaking for responsabilities: I have finaly finished Ano! It's short n' small and people might be like '...you took almost 2 years of you life to write only 70pages?' but guess what? yeah, I did take that long BUT at least it's the first time that I write something that I reaaaally enjoyed. Sometimes I'm like 'omg Ano go away I'm too nervous' but I guess that's because I don't know how the feedback will be. I don't know if i'll ever get published! People might not know but editor's world is simply crazy! We only have 'books made to be enjoyable' and 'realistic and artistic books'. And there are only a few portuguese authors in 'realistic and artistic books' department. I should've writen a cheesy book.
Furthermore, I've been skipping classes waaaay too much - hating my subjects, they are boring to death. I must find some kind of motivation to get through them or else I'll fail this semester and, according to my planned life, there's no time for that.

The good thing about my life lately: been finding some true inspiration to write. Motivation to draw. To learn more about stars and french. So glad these little dreams have finally awaken again, this change to university totally took them away from me. A little space to be creative and dream, just for me. So nice to have my cosy home back.

Dreams

I feel like I keep repeting myself again and again but, right now, I need to write and to calm down or I won't be able to study and I have a test tomorrow (which I'm not prepared at all, I'm scared as hell, why am I on deutsch). Yesterday I had a kind of late Carnival party, which I liked but... there was something wrong. I seriously need to change my attitude because sometimes I feel like I'm too polite or too correct? Something like that. I have so many rules and strategies for my own, everything I do, before doing it, I think about it - if it's something crazy, it's because I chose to ignore the consequences. But I never do something reckless. And I might say 'omg chill girl' but I can't and I don't mind, I work better under pressure. Either way, what I wanted to say - I feel like I'm in the middle and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I have buddies who pretend they're drunk (just because they wanna be cool) and then I have others who challenge their parents and work for their dreams. Then there's me.
I feel like I should start working harder - not dreaming higher, because my dreams are soooo big, trust me, I have dreams for a lifetime! I just feel like sometimes I waste too many time admiring and getting inspired with other people's dreams and I don't work for myself. It's time to start new things, keep the old ones and work non-stop. I'm tired? Then I sleep. I can't spend that much time playing, dancing around and dreaming. I can't talk that much and don't work at all - don't get me wrong, I am the master of words and dreams but I feel like I should be more...pratical. And I'll work on that for now on.

xoxoxoxo
angie

p.s- I'm so craving some cutie pair of sunglasses.