domingo, 18 de maio de 2014

Chasing the sun

So yeah, these last weeks I've achieved more than I could ever dream of . and I should feel happy but instead I feel numb,really. Like it was all just a dream and it wasn't so good as I expected it to be. Let's say I kind of graduated from praxe but I hated it and I felt I've been wrong for 9months, that they weren't that perfect, that it was all just a big lie. That there wasn't anything like union and teamwork, just little groups of wannabe popular girls. Maybe that's the problem of attending FLUP.
Now I just don't know how to feel anymore, my pride about praxe has vanished and I don't have any goal except to be stronger. I guess I'll be in praxe as far as I can handle it, as far as I need it, really. I should be staying because I want to change people but... I already do that with my voluntary work. So..I guess that's it.
And then I was completely honest with him and I made the wrong/right decision of kissing him; and, again, I felt that I was cheated, that he fooled me for months. Worse. That he fooled himself, that he pretended everything just to make me feel happy -the problem was that I wasn't happy at all, I've only learnt that word a few months ago (in my love life ofc). Now I might lose him but what can I say? What can I do? He is blind and I can see flowers. I just need to go on with my life and do what I like to do - see grunge pics, take wannabe grunge pics, reading and writing and dreaming of smoking (not smoking, I'm doing a kind or rehab of that).
My voluntary association is growing so fast that it kind of makes me cry; I haven't cried yet but I know that, sooner of later, it will happen and oh god. Half year has past and we have learnt so much and developed so much as well, it's something to be proud of. I wish I could be payed to help the others. And friendship...ugh. I seriously wish I could know my friends better. Sometimes I'm so lost and I feel I can lose them with a glimpse. 
Either way, what I really need is holidays. To read, to start working better on my new book and projects and, more important, to think.

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